Becoming More Open

This past week I set out to commit to my blog writing. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to write about, but I knew I had to start one way or another. I had been wanting to rebuild a habit I once had, (the enriching habit of writing) and there was no better moment than… yesterday. And the day before, and so on… (you get the idea).

Thing is, I have been procrastinating immensely. I have been putting off the start of this blog for sometime. Instead, I have allowed myself to dwell on paralyzing thoughts that are also commonly described as “self-sabotage”, and instead of writing, I huff-and-puff, let my ego walk around my head in a thematic park I carefully built and named “My Fears”, and then invite out my rather sneaky pessimism for a spin (nobody would have me for a pessimist. I hide it well)... and let’s not forget my chronic tendency to ‘negative nostalgia’ (“oh, boooo… yesterday was so much better than today!” No, it wasn’t). 

So fear, pessimism, and negative nostalgia: we have been hanging out together, hand-in-hand, having a grand old time of depression and anxiety - “What a ride, Aline!” “Let’s do it again!” – no, I don’t think so.

So, the irony is that after a few “mopey” days, I woke up with one thought in my mind: “F*CK, I am writing today and I don’t care about what, as long as I just do it!”  I felt a jolt of energy and a change in attitude echoing through my mind: “I CANNOT afford to lose! This is NOT one for me to LET GO!”, also a reminder that of all the things that can be difficult for me to accomplish, writing is not one of them. I have had a predisposition to better assert myself in the written word rather than spoken for a long time, and I could absolutely not let my mind play tricks on me by paralyzing my actions because our ‘little friend Doubt’, needed a place to stay.

With all this said, and without any ceremony I say: screw doubt! Screw depression! Screw this nagging anxiety that decides to come in and go as it pleases: as far as I am concerned, you’re losing the battle, “lady”! I have had more progress than not, and I am not going to give in when you decide to show up for a nail biting session and “quick chat” with my ego (he doesn’t rule me anyway, so you’re wasting your time).

So here it is. I wrote yet another entry! Writing Habit Building, day 2 – done! Writer’s block, I’m sorry, but I had to beat you with a hammer… depression and anxiety, take a hike (truly, it may be good and turn you around into something positive)… fears… just F*CK you! Seriously.